post stem cell transplant (con't).... and some details

So today I am 194 days post transplant. I can't even lie having a stem cell transplant is THE hardest thing I have ever had to do. 

SO when i was diagnosed with leukemia I was super nervous. First off it's cancer.. who wouldn't be scared?  I had no idea what to think. So many things were running through my mind and to be honest I didn't even feel like I had a chance to take in all the information I was being given, in. 

I started my induction chemotherapy with a very positive attitude. I had seen family members go through chemo before so I was assuming that it would be the same for me. You know, losing my hair, throwing up, not being able to eat, no visitors, being cautious, and feeling like shit. I was pretty much right. But, the difference was I was a mother. My son was 3 when I was diagnosed and I think the hardest thing for me was having to leave him. I had to spend 33 days in the hospital. I was able to see my son only once a week. I am eternally grateful for my sons father and all of our family for making me feel like even though I was fighting for my life my son was happy and very well taken are of. As a mother or parent, leaving my child behind just broke my heart. Not being able to be part of his every day. Missing out on all the milestones he was achieving. Starting daycare, making friends, going to birthday parties. It freaking sucked. The worst part was all the times he cried for me. Face-time is such a magical thing but man seeing my baby cry and begging me to come home was heartbreaking.

May 2017, 5 days after being diagnosed with AML.

After my counts recovered and I was able to go home I had to return to the hospital every other day. The doctor would check my levels ( wbc, rbc etc.) and if they were low I would receive an infusion. Sometimes I needed blood and other times platelets. Usually it took a few weeks for my counts to start to hold on there own. I had to also have four consolidation chemo-therapies. For my consolidation therapy I only had to stay in the hospital for 7 days. After each treatment I would have to go back and fourth to the hospital every other day (again) so the doctor could keep and eye on my blood work. 

It took a few moths but in February 2018 the doctor said I was cancer free. It was like one of the best days of my life. I was so ready for all of this cancer shit to be over and I couldn't wait for life to go back to normal. My summer that year was so amazing. I got to spend very day with my son. I felt like nothing could stop me! In fact right after I found out that I was cancer free was when I first started my blog. I knew what it felt like having cancer and I wanted to help others out that were going through it as well. 

So yeah the summer of 2018 was pretty awesome. I did lots of things with my son and I was so thrilled to have battled and won. 

Things were going great until I started having tooth pain. I had went to the dentist to cap one of my teeth because it had broken apart from the chemotherapy. So about 3 weeks after I had went to the dentist the tooth started hurting pretty bad. (and you know tooth pain is the absolute worst) I remember the day like it was yesterday, we were out on my step-dads boat and all the sudden my face started to swell. Nothing was helping it and the pain I was having was the absolute worst. We raced back to shore so that I could bring Isaac home and I could go to the hospital. Silly me, I went to the hospital closest to me instead of going to the hospital I was treated at. I really didn't think much of it. I thought it was just a toothache. The ER doctor was phenomenal and helped me out so much. He listened to me and had the nurses take blood work. Again I had went to the ER by myself thinking that everything was going to be okay. I was told that because I was not a year out from having cancer I would have to be monitored over night. So of course I was freaking out. My oncologist was informed on what they were doing and was fine with everything until the general doctor got the test results back and there was a blast cell in my blood work. My oncologist was very calm and explained to me that sometimes people have a blast cell in their blood but it doesn't necessarily mean that it is caner. But, to be on the safe side we would schedule a bone marrow biopsy, just to make sure. 

At the hospital the doctor told me that I had a abscess tooth and I would need to go to an oral surgeon right away. However the oral surgeon would not touch me because he was afraid it was cancer.  Luckily I found a wonder dentist, who by the advice and guidance of my oncologist was able to perform root canals on my tooth. I was very relieved but my goodness I was not excited about having to get another biopsy done. Those things hurt so bad. 

A few days after the dentist we had the biopsy done. The hard part was waiting for the results to come back but I kind of had a gut feeling. I guess it was instinct. 

Life went on as normal as it could. My son had started preschool on September 7th and life was good. Until September 11th. I remember the doctor calling me. It was 9:00 am. My son was just about to get on the bus and my phone started to ring. My heart dropped, i just knew. My doctor started off by apologizing to me and I just lost it. Holy fucking shit not again. I remember falling to the floor and sobbing on the phone with my doctor. I couldn't believe I had to start this all over again. 

I was completely devastated the caner was back but the worst part about it was knowing that I had to leave my son all over again. He had just started school and I was going to be gone for who knew how long. 

On September 17th I kissed my sweet boy goodbye as he headed onto his school bus and at that very moment I was so petrified. I was so scared because I wasn't sure if I would ever see him again. My survival rate was 20-40%. AML (the type of leukemia that I have) is the worst kind. Not to mention that leukemia is a caner of your blood and blood runs through your entire body. I literally had cancer everywhere. 

The doctors prepared me to go through another induction round of chemo but this time it was going to be with stronger medication. I was given MEC. A super strong dose of chemotherapy used to help achieve remission. and it did work. On day 14 I had a bone marrow biopsy and it showed that no cancer was present. I was so relieved but the doctors told me that in order to stay alive and possibly cancer free for a very long time I was going to need to have a Stem Cell Transplant. I had never heard of it before and was unsure what the details were but I was not very happy about having any more treatment. 

Again I was up at the hospital every other day for blood work to make sure that my counts were good. Occasionally I needed to have a transfusion. 

My doctor had the transplant coordinator contact me and they got started looking for a donor super fast. My family was unable to be donors because my mom and I have a rare gene mutation that causes cancer and my sister had brain cancer. My father would have only been a 5/10 match and for my doctor that was not good enough. Shortly after putting my information into the database a few donors were found. Because I had already given birth to a son my body had male antibodies engraved into my DNA so they searched for a man that would be a 10/10 match for me. 

About a month after starting Be The Match found and contacted 6 men. Four of the men responded and two went to get blood work done the next day to see if they could save my life. The waiting was the hardest part but soon after the men went to be tested I was told that I had a donor. All I know is there is a young man in his early 20's out in Italy that has chosen to give me the gift of life. 

I had attended a class with my family about how this process was going to work and what we were looking forward to. It was a ton of inspiration but a lot of information. We got booklets filled with so much stuff and guidelines I would have to live by. It was a lot to handle. 

On November 21st, the day before thanksgiving I was admitted into the hospital for a stem cell transplant. To say I was nervous is an understatement. Again I had to leave my son, just 3 weeks after coming home from my induction chemo. I was told that because the floor needed to be germ free my son was NOT able to come up and visit me. I was so upset and it was so close to Christmas that my anxiety played a huge part in my overall mental health. I considered not even having the transplant but I knew it was the best thing for me and my family.  My doctors were amazing and because I wasn't starting chemo on thanksgiving the let my son come up and visit me. I truly needed that. 

On November 23rd at 9 am I started the strongest chemo yet. The goal was to wipe out everything so when the donor cells arrived into my blood they would be able to soak right up. To be honest the first day was pretty normal. I wasn't sick, I actually ate, and I felt like it was a regular day. I don't remember the chemo I got or the regimen I had because I kind of blocked that out. I remember that when the second chemo started was when I was having the hardest time. I had the WORST diarrhea and It continued after I got my donor cells. It was the absolute worst. It felt like bleach and hot sauce combined. It was the most painful experience and it lasted about 2 weeks. I literally ate nothing the whole time. The third chemo I had I actually had a really bad reaction to. My legs ( from the toes to my knees on both legs) felt like fire ants were having a feast on my blood. It felt like glass shards were running through my blood. I was rocking back and forth and begging and pleading with god to take the pain away. I was crying uncontrollably and I was all alone.  It was THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. 

The pain took a great toll on me. I didn't want to do anything. I was depressed. I wouldn't answer my phone, I didn't even want to talk to my son. It was so hard to convey what I was feeling and it was just easier to cry and sleep.  After about a week of feeling sorry for myself and with the (obnoxious push from the nurses) i started to get out of bed regularly. Holy fatigue. You know when you have the flu your body hurts and feels like you cant even move, yea well times that by 100. My legs were heavy and I had no want to move at all. The staff tried to remind me that the best thing for me was to try to get moving. That I would be out of the hospital sooner if I put my pride aside and pushed myself each day. (I thought I knew what pushing myself was but I was totally wrong). 

Each day I was getting stronger. I had my mind made up that I was going to fight as hard as I could so I would be home for my sons 5th birthday and Christmas. I did everything I was told to do and because I listened (even though I didn't want to) I ended up going home 9 days earlier then expected. Believe me it was hard. It still is. Your bodies immune system is brand new. They wiped out all the energy you used to have and you are basically like a new born learning your body all over again. 

The recovery process from a SCT is definitely not an easy one. I mean there were days I could barely get out of bed to use the bathroom. I wouldn't eat sometimes and once i even had a bit of gut GVHD. The medication regimen is not easy either. I started out with about 24 medications a day. I'm down to about 13 now. 

Its not an easy road, that's for sure. You never know what your day is going to be like when you open your eyes. Will i have a pain free day? Will I be able to keep up with my family? Will i have to be hospitalized today? What will my test results say? Will i get sick from eating new food? Is anyone around me sick? Did I remember to bring a mask? Do I have gloves? Why are people staring at me? These are just a few things that run through the mind of a transplant patient in recovery. Each day is truly different, but each day is a blessing. 

As of today I am 97% donor cells!

talking to your kids about cancer...

As a mother the hardest thing in the world was having to tell my 3 year old that mommy was sick. It was the most devastating feeling. One day I put my son to sleep and the next I was in a hospital bed not sure of what the future would look like. How would I explain cancer to my son? Luckily, there are wonderful websites that helped me out and I would love to share them with you! 

Even though your children will be upset when they learn about your cancer, don't pretend that everything is okay. Even very young children can sense when something is wrong. They will see that you don't feel well, are away from home more often, or can't spend as much time with them as you used to. Children as young as 18 months old begin to notice what's going on around them. It's important to be honest. Telling the truth is better than letting them imagine the worst. Give your kids time to ask questions and express their feelings.(Web Source)

What Children of All Ages Need to Know

About Cancer

• Nothing your child did, thought, or said caused you to get cancer.
• Just because you have cancer doesn't mean you'll die from it. In fact, many people live with cancer for a long time.
• Your child can't make you well. But there are ways he or she can make you feel better.
• Scientists are finding many new ways to treat cancer.

About Living with Cancer in the Family

• Your child is not alone. Other children have parents who have cancer.
• It's okay to be upset, angry, or scared.
• Your child can't do anything to change the fact that you have cancer.
• Family members may act differently because they're worried about you.
• You will make sure that your children are taken care of, no matter what happens to you.

Web Source

About What They Can Do

• They can help you by doing nice things like washing dishes, cleaning their room, or even drawing you a picture.
• They should still go to school and take part in sports and other fun activities.
• They can talk to other adults for support, such as teachers, family members, and religious or spiritual leaders.
• 
  

How Kids May Act When You Have Cancer

Children can react to cancer in many different ways. For example, they may:

• Be confused, scared, lonely, or overwhelmed
• Feel guilty and think that something they did or said caused your cancer
• Feel angry when they are asked to be quiet or to do more chores around the house
• Miss the amount of attention they're used to getting
• Regress and behave as they did when they were much younger
• Get into trouble at school or at home
• Be clingy and afraid to leave the house

Learn what can help children and teens who have a family member with cancer.

Teens

If you have a teenager, know that they're at a time in their lives when they're trying to break away and be independent from their parents. Try to get them to talk about their feelings and ask questions. Tell them as much as they want to know about your cancer. Ask them for their opinions and, if possible, let them help you make decisions.

Teens may want to talk with other people in their lives. Friends can be a great source of support for them, especially those who also have a serious illness in their family. Other family members, teachers, coaches, and spiritual leaders can also help. Encourage your teenage children to talk about their fears and feelings with people they trust.

For more information about support for teens, you may find it helpful to share this e-book When Your Parent Has Cancer: A Guide for Teens with them.

Adult Children

If you have adult children, your relationship with them may change now that you have cancer. You may:

• Ask them to help with making health care decisions, paying bills, or taking care of the house
• Ask them to explain medical information
• Need them to go to the doctor with you or pick up medicines
• Rely on them for emotional support
• Feel awkward when they help with your physical care

For some parents, it may be hard to ask for comfort and care from their grown children. But it's important to talk about cancer with your family members, even if they get upset or worry about you. Try to include them when talking about your treatment. Let them know the choices you would like them to make about your care, in case you're too sick to make the choices yourself. (See Advance Directives.) Recognize that it may be hard for your children to have this talk and that, like you, they're trying to adjust to your illness.

Here are some books that have helped us!

Link to purchase!

Link to Purchase!

Link to Purchase!

Link to purchase!

Link to Purchase!






Here is a list of websites that offer book selections for children!

Cancer Care

Yale Cancer Center

Roswell Park

Cancer Research UK

Cancer. Live Better With

  I only hope this may help some of you, who have children, that are going through this illness.

Recovery's not that easy

Merch!

I am so excited to announce that I am selling Cancer Is An Asshole Merchandise!

I'm still in the beginning phases of designing new things but the site is up!

( Here is a sneak peak of some of the items I have available for sale!)

Merchandise Link



How animals can help cancer patients...

When I was in the hospital getting my chemotherapy ( my induction chemo- May2017) I had the best visitor. A cute puppy named Sandy. Although its been about two years from meeting him I still remember the feeling I got when he was there. I was 29 and super scared of what I was going through and seeing that little face totally helped me. It was so wonderful to have my anxiety put at ease ( even though it was just a short meeting). Service animals are awesome.

 

 



Therapy dogs provide much-needed emotional support to cancer patients, who are vulnerable to depression and isolation as the disease impacts their lives. Spending time with a dog—petting its soft fur, talking without fear of judgment, and being on the receiving end of all that unconditional love—can help raise their spirits even while their body is feeling awful. Web Source
For cancer patients, the healing qualities of dogs are immeasurable. Here are just a few of the important things dogs can provide to people with cancer:

• Relaxation. Spending time with an animal is soothing, and can be a vital respite in the course of a busy, often painful day.
• Safety. Dogs are great listeners, and cancer patients can talk to them about their fears (or choose not to talk and simply enjoy their company in quiet).
• Tactile sensation. Petting an animal releases endorphins, which reduces stress and improves mood.
• Distraction. Paying attention to a dog can help patients forget about their pain and frustration for a time, which invites healing and improved health.
• Socialization. Dogs invite conversation, and can help patients express themselves more freely to doctors and loved ones.

According to the National Service Animal Registry, a service dog differs from an emotional therapy or support dog because it is “trained to perform major life tasks to assist people with physical or severe psychiatric impairments/disabilities.” Service dogs can be trained to:

• Assist in walking and prevent falls
• Turn lights and appliances on and off
• Carry groceries, bags, and packages
• Pick up items that are dropped or out of reach
• Bark for help and/or retrieve a phone

For a cancer survivor facing new challenges and abilities in the wake of their treatment, a service dog can provide help and encourage independence.

If you or a loved one is living with cancer, chances are you have access to therapy dogs. Here are just a few resources for cancer treatment centers with therapy dog programs. Ask your doctor about additional resources in your area.

• The Memorial Sloan Keating Cancer Center’s Caring Canines program has provided dog therapy to patients since 2007.
• At Siteman Cancer Center in St. Louis, the TOUCH (Therapy of Unique Canine Helpers) program provides weekly visits with therapy dogs.
• The Vanderbilt-Ingram Cancer Center in Nashville has a pet visitation program to bring companionship and levity to patients and their families.
• Cancer Treatment Centers of America provides animal assisted therapy from certified therapy dogs and their handlers at five centers nationwide.
• The AKC keeps a complete list of therapy dog programs in the U.S.

If your cancer diagnosis has resulted in permanent disability, you may qualify for a long-term assistance dog. Visit Service Dog Central for more information.
If your dog is calm, gentle, and well-behaved, she might be a good fit for therapy dog training. Being a therapy dog handler can be incredibly rewarding, as you’re helping your dog make a real difference in the lives of people in need. These are just a few resources to get you started:

• A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming a Service Dog
• Therapy Dogs International
• Pet Partners
• The Good Dog Foundation
• Pet Partners

Of course, animal-assisted therapy may not be fore everyone. Some cancer patients have compromised immune systems, and exposure to a dog (plus all the stuff they can carry around on their coat, paws, and mouth) is not a good idea. Check out this list of things to consider before animal therapy, and be sure to consult with a medical professional before pursuing this or any course of treatment.

For cancer patients who qualify, dog therapy, assistance dogs, and even just time with a beloved family pet can have an incredible impact on mood and health. It’s something us dog people have always known: dogs improve our lives, and sometimes even save them.


Also keeping your dog healthy is super important. Web Source Obesity is one of the top reasons a dogs life can be cut short. Just look at the statistics and there can be no denying this worldwide trend.  The Association for Pet Obesity Prevention (APOP) reports that, in 2017, an estimated 56% of dogs in North America are obese.  This is a truly shocking statistic and it tells us that there needs to be a major overhaul in the mindset of us pet owners.
For more info check out the link! Web Source

 

I Never Thought I'd Get Cancer...

 

 

Chest pain, short of breath, I can feel my heart throbbing. The doctor at the hospital said mono was the problem.

 Sent me home to go to a doctor I couldn't get an appointment with, so I settled for the reason the ER doctor had to give.

 Life wasn't easy as I had so much fatigue, I barely could function, I could hardly breathe.

 Until the day came when I could take it no more, so I went back to the Emergency Room and ended up passing out on the floor.

 My heart was over working itself; my body was straining for blood flow.. Low oxygen, high pulse I was scared I wouldn't be here tomorrow.

 I was placed in a room and nurse came in, she took my blood for the lab work to begin.

 I talked to the doctor and begged him to help, I was hurting and tired and wanted answers about my health.

About an hour later the doctor comes back pulls up a chair and everything went black.

 I knew it was bad, I could see it in his face; I can't even explain how much my mind started to race.

 He grabbed my hand and looked me dead in the eye, and said you need a blood transfusion and a consultation with oncology just to verify.

My heart stopped I think, I started crying because I knew… if you need an oncologist, cancer has got you.

 I was by myself with the worst news ever; I started to panic and couldn't calm down whatsoever.

The nurses were wonderful and stayed by my side, trying to calm me, they were so kind.

 I had no phone service but the Wi-Fi worked so I messaged my sister on her social network.

 I wanted my mommy I was scared and alone, and the thought of having cancer made me fear the unknown.

So they said I had to stay overnight in the hospital, I was transferred to a room but was in shock by the impossible.

 How do I explain this to my child's father, I was nervous to tell him so I called his Mother.

 Emotions ran high as we both cried on the phone, how do I explain to them I'm not coming home?

 She told me not to worry that she would break the news; I didn't think I could tell him, I was not very enthused.

Why me? I asked god, what the hell for, 7 brain surgeries I've had and now you're giving me more.

 So many thoughts ran through my mind, will I die and leave my baby behind?

 I couldn't sleep that night, I was waiting for my mom, it took a few hours but I finally started to calm.

 In the morning the doctor came in, again I was alone and scared for him to begin.

 You have leukemia he said, and I lost it right there, he wasn't very companionate and I was really scared.

 I told him no more tests until I talk to my mother, they wanted to start chemo right away but I felt smothered.

 Jesse brought up Isaac so I could see him before I was transferred, and the feelings I was experiencing made the visit very blurred.

I remember holding my son so tight and kissing his little face and promising I'll fight my best, it was the saddest embrace.

 Then in walks mom and all hell breaks loose, she wanted me transferred because only the best will do.

 So I was brought to another hospital to doctors that we knew, and once they ran the tests, I got the bad news.

 It definitely is cancer, leukemia at that, so calls were made and transfer was scheduled, I was headed to fight back.

 On the way to Robert Wood my sister rode in the ambulance with me, we laughed and sang and cried and prayed that God would always surround me.

 Terrified was how I felt, I was scared out of my mind; I didn't know what to think or have any thought in mind.

 I was brought up to a room on the "cancer patient" floor and the first thing I saw was a "no kids" sign on my door.

 I was in fight or flight mode, pretty much the whole family was what the hell is happening to me, I had to stop and pause.

 I met with this new doctor for the first time in my room, at the moment I didn't know what to think, I only could assume.

This is now my life, I'm a cancer patient now, what will happen to me I can only ask a loud.

 I can't even tell you how much my family cried, tears of hurt and sorrow filled up everybody's eyes.

 The team of doctors came in to explain to us the process, overwhelmed and terrified were all I could express.

 I'll never forget the doctor’s words "we'll start chemo in the morning", my worst nightmare is coming true, I wish I had a warning.

 I wish I knew it would be okay and that I would make it through, but you can't say that because you don't know what the cancer will do.

 The day came to start the chemo, it's getting real now, I had so many questions but couldn't get them out.

 I started my chemo with victory in mind; I planned on staying positive and leaving cancer behind.

 I didn't know what I was in for but I had a clue, my family's history with cancer was nothing new.

 I prepared myself mentally for losing all my hair, what I wasn't ready for was all the pain that cancer would unveil.

 Leukemia is what I have and it's a cancer of your blood, the kind I have is rare for my age and the outlook didn't look good.

The first day of treatment went better then I hoped, I was feeling pretty good and that gave me some hope.

 On the fourth day of my chemo I had an unexpected turn of events, surgery to get my appendix out before it burst.. Just made sense.

 They called in a few surgeons who didn't want to touch me, but with the risk of a ruptured appendix they decided to go ahead with the surgery.

 It was beyond nerve racking for everyone involved, I was in the middle of treatment and this problem needed to be solved.

 I got a bag of platelets just before I headed down, and another during surgery and after it as well.

I'll never forget what the surgeon said to me, "you must have a guardian angel watching over you young lady".

 I didn't realize it then how big of a deal the surgery was, I kind of tried to block it out, my fear of dying was big enough.

The next day when all the doctors did rounds, I was the most popular patient in town.

 It's not every day you do surgery on a cancer patient, during chemo while there counts are low but my body was impatient.

 I started recovering from my first chemo induction, it definitely was not easy, and my body was under construction.

 Everything hurt from my hair to my toes; it felt like I got hit by several buses, which blows.

 The pain of my hair falling was so bad, so I made my mom shave it for relief, she was really sad.

The pain in my bones felt like I was being stomped out by an elephant, I remember crying in bed and saying the hell with it.

 It was hard to move around especially to the bathroom, to bathe and to eat and to sit was filled with gloom.

 But I smiled through the pain and I felt I was stronger; I wanted to prove that "it" had me no longer.

 33 days I spent in that bed, when I look back now I can still feel the dread.

 Not knowing what your counts are or if they'll be going up, and getting shots to boost my immune system totally sucked.

 But I put up a fight like I never before have, I was ready to win and never look back.

 On day 21 I had a bone marrow biopsy, to see if the leukemia was still inside me.

 The results came back good and we all were elated, the cancer was gone and I celebrated.

 I went home to my baby and gave him a hug, "mommy did it" I said to my little cuddle bug.

What I didn't expect was the appointments I had, every other day my blood work was sent to the lab.

 Sometimes I needed platelets and other times blood, no matter what I needed it felt like I was being drug the mud.

 My veins were so tiny and rolled and would blow, at that time I didn't have a picc line you know.

 I was stuck every day I went to the lab, it was not very fun, lots of tears I did have.

So once my counts began rise the doctor scheduled the consolidation, a week of chemo to prevent a relapse was the plan of attack for the entire duration.

 I was scheduled for 4 more rounds of chemo, but this time less harsh, the side effects I'd love to veto.

I'm not of fan of pain or having no taste buds at all, I hated hair loss and being really bald.

 Feeling weak, taking medicine, having no energy at all, I felt kind of useless while others were having a ball.

 But I pushed through it all every chemo treatment done and on February 14th I was in remission, I won!

 I was exhilarated for once I was filled with such joy; I couldn't wait to go home and tell my little boy!

 It took about two months to finally recover, but I was happy that I was cancer free for the summer.

Every day I would pray and I wanted to share, so I made a blog page for my story to air.

 It's called Cancer is an Asshole because that's what it was to me, I hated every aspect of cancer, but once it was over I felt free.

 I had 6 months to myself to be "normal" again, until September 3rd when my tooth pain started to begin.

 It started to swell and my face was so big, it was painful to talk or even take a drink.

 So I went to the ER, where I was first diagnosed, I figured it was just a toothache so I'd be there a few hours at most.

They did all the testing that hospitals do but the doctor had his head down when he came back to my room.

 "You have an abscess in your tooth and it's pretty bad, we also found a blast cell in your blood work you just had."

 The news made cry, my PTSD kicked right in, I can't have cancer again, what if I don't win?

 "We think your relapsing; I need to keep you here, so you have to stay overnight to make sure your labs are clear".

 My oncologist was called and so was a dentist, I could barely focus on the words of his sentence.

They wanted the tooth fixed but were worried about cancer and he said if I relapsed the tooth would be a disaster.

They wanted to pull it and I said NO, so I went to better dentist and one that I know.

Meanwhile the oncologist set up for a biopsy, he needed to make sure the leukemia wasn't inside me.

 While waiting for results I had dental work done, finally relief but now round two has begun.

 A few days later the doctor would call September 11th I remember it all.

 "I'm so sorry" he said, "you really did relapse, the leukemia is back" and I collapsed.

 I started to cry and hyperventilate; so much was running through my mind I had no time to situate.

 The doctor told Jesse what the plan was, I was too devastated to talk I just sat there in a pause.

 Are you kidding me God, one time wasn't enough, I have to suffer again, I don't think I'm that tough.

 I don't want to leave my son ever again, but the outcome was bleak… this can't be the end.

 So we decided on a date the 17th I'd start chemo, but this time it's stronger and so was my ego.

 How do you explain to your 4 year old son, you have to leave him again but it's for the best in the long run?

 I just held him tight and apologized over and over, I'm sorry I have to leave you but I will not crossover.

"We are going to be strong and mommy will fight, we got this baby boy" I said with delight.

 In the back of my mind I knew all the odds and relapsing with leukemia is not very good.

 So the 17th approaches and my bags are all packed, I said my goodbyes and headed on back.

My mom drove me up there, we cried the whole ride, and we talked about my will and what would happen if I died.

 It was the worst conversation I never want to have it again, but it needed to be done so they know what I intend.

 I got to the hospital and up to the floor; I saw my room and almost lost it at the door.

 I've already been through this so I know that it sucks, I felt pretty depressed and down on my luck.

 I put away my things and got ready for war, a few minutes later there was a knock at the door.

 My team of doctors came in and told me the plan, I'd start chemo in the morning, and then the tears began.

I have to do this all over I didn't know if I could, I just wanted to be normal like any person would.

 The next day came and the chemo was started, I felt kind of defeated that I had to restart this.

 The hardest part of these hospital visits is having to leave my son; it just breaks my heart having to hear him beg for me to come home.

 I put on my game face and strapped on in, I put on my battle mindset because I was going to win.

 30 days I was in that hard hospital bed, I couldn't wait to leave and head back to my homestead.

Although the chemo is over guess what I had to go through, blood work every other day and possible transfusion too.

 At a doctor’s appointment about a week later we were told I needed a transplant, they were going to test my family, but came back and said we can't.

So they looked into the registry to see what they could find, meanwhile my mom’s job hosted a swab party for donors; it was the nicest gesture and gave me piece of mind.

 I can't remember the date that we got the amazing news, but a donor was found that matched me perfect I got a stem cell transplant really soon.

 A million things ran through my mind and of course I did some research, the hospital even provided a class for patients to go to first.

On November 21st I was admitted for my transplant, I was a nervous wreck to say the least and wondering if I should recant.

 Thanksgiving was a great day for me as Jesse brought up Isaac, my sister came up and my dad was there too I felt blessed and so excited. 

 I started chemo the following day and it went pretty well, the only side affect was nausea which made me feel real ill.

The chemo I was getting was intense and very strong; it was rough to say the least sometimes I cried all night long.

The pain in your body and bones really sucks, but the diarrhea that felt like bleach and fire was pain enough.

The chemo was horrible this go around, I didn't move much just sat in the bed and frowned.

I had some very intense days one of which the doctor was concerned, he told my dad a few weeks later "I didn't know if she was going to make it, Sir".

 I disliked all my nurses, I think mostly because I was depressed, I just hated they never knocked on my door and blatantly walked right in.

Every four hours my blood pressure was taken even in my sleep, I punched a few techs by accident, but that's what happened when you scare me.

 November 28th the day my life changed forever, I received my donors’ cells and felt like I was going to get better.

 Things were very slow starting I could barely even walk, my legs were weak, I had fatigue I'd sit in bed most days and sulked.

They had me on so much medication I had a pole with four or five pumps, I also took some orally my stomach was in a funk.

 I had the worst diarrhea from all of the meds, I was truly miserable lying in that hospital bed.

 I had a reaction to the last medication that they had me take, my legs felt like they had glass shards running up and down my leg.

 It was burning and I was in agony it was the worst pain of my life, I cried to God to get me through I didn’t want to go to the afterlife.

 As the days pass on I could feel I was getting stronger, I was able to walk the hallway without my walker any longer.

 I started to shower by myself even though it was very hard, it took all of my energy but I made it this far.

 I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel and believe me that got me through, always staying humble.

 No matter what I was going through I always put on a smile, I tried to be as positive as I could even without being mobile.

 My body healed pretty fast I was sent home a week early, I was so excited for the great news I couldn't wait to see my family.

 Man was I weak and couldn't care for myself I needed 24 hour care, to bathe and eat and walk and sleep, my gate was also impaired.

 I went home with a walker which I needed for a while, but after a few weeks of that I was getting versatile.

I can see improvement daily however it is slow, although recovery is a rollercoaster I'd love to just get up and go.

 I'm on my way back from going through hell, the devil couldn't stop me and I'm not going to dwell.

 I have a second chance at life and that's pretty amazing, I thank my marrow donor for every single blessing.

 Yes I've been through a lot but I don't let that define me, My journey may have been rough but it's mine and that's what makes me, me.