Sent me home to go to
a doctor I couldn't get an appointment with, so I settled for the reason the ER
doctor had to give.
Life wasn't easy as I
had so much fatigue, I barely could function, I could hardly breathe.
Until the day came
when I could take it no more, so I went back to the Emergency Room and ended up
passing out on the floor.
My heart was over
working itself; my body was straining for blood flow.. Low oxygen, high pulse I
was scared I wouldn't be here tomorrow.
I was placed in a
room and nurse came in, she took my blood for the lab work to begin.
I talked to the
doctor and begged him to help, I was hurting and tired and wanted answers about
my health.
About an hour later the doctor comes back pulls up a chair
and everything went black.
I knew it was bad, I
could see it in his face; I can't even explain how much my mind started to
race.
He grabbed my hand
and looked me dead in the eye, and said you need a blood transfusion and a
consultation with oncology just to verify.
My heart stopped I think, I started crying because I knew…
if you need an oncologist, cancer has got you.
I was by myself with
the worst news ever; I started to panic and couldn't calm down whatsoever.
The nurses were wonderful and stayed by my side, trying to
calm me, they were so kind.
I had no phone
service but the Wi-Fi worked so I messaged my sister on her social network.
I wanted my mommy I
was scared and alone, and the thought of having cancer made me fear the
unknown.
So they said I had to stay overnight in the hospital, I was
transferred to a room but was in shock by the impossible.
How do I explain this
to my child's father, I was nervous to tell him so I called his Mother.
Emotions ran high as
we both cried on the phone, how do I explain to them I'm not coming home?
She told me not to
worry that she would break the news; I didn't think I could tell him, I was not
very enthused.
Why me? I asked god, what the hell for, 7 brain surgeries
I've had and now you're giving me more.
So many thoughts ran
through my mind, will I die and leave my baby behind?
I couldn't sleep that
night, I was waiting for my mom, it took a few hours but I finally started to
calm.
In the morning the
doctor came in, again I was alone and scared for him to begin.
You have leukemia he
said, and I lost it right there, he wasn't very companionate and I was really
scared.
I told him no more
tests until I talk to my mother, they wanted to start chemo right away but I
felt smothered.
Jesse brought up
Isaac so I could see him before I was transferred, and the feelings I was
experiencing made the visit very blurred.
I remember holding my son so tight and kissing his little
face and promising I'll fight my best, it was the saddest embrace.
Then in walks mom and
all hell breaks loose, she wanted me transferred because only the best will do.
So I was brought to
another hospital to doctors that we knew, and once they ran the tests, I got
the bad news.
It definitely is
cancer, leukemia at that, so calls were made and transfer was scheduled, I was
headed to fight back.
On the way to Robert
Wood my sister rode in the ambulance with me, we laughed and sang and cried and
prayed that God would always surround me.
Terrified was how I
felt, I was scared out of my mind; I didn't know what to think or have any
thought in mind.
I was brought up to a
room on the "cancer patient" floor and the first thing I saw was a
"no kids" sign on my door.
I was in fight or
flight mode, pretty much the whole family was what the hell is happening to me,
I had to stop and pause.
I met with this new
doctor for the first time in my room, at the moment I didn't know what to
think, I only could assume.
This is now my life, I'm a cancer patient now, what will
happen to me I can only ask a loud.
I can't even tell you
how much my family cried, tears of hurt and sorrow filled up everybody's eyes.
The team of doctors
came in to explain to us the process, overwhelmed and terrified were all I
could express.
I'll never forget the
doctor’s words "we'll start chemo in the morning", my worst nightmare
is coming true, I wish I had a warning.
I wish I knew it
would be okay and that I would make it through, but you can't say that because
you don't know what the cancer will do.
The day came to start
the chemo, it's getting real now, I had so many questions but couldn't get them
out.
I started my chemo
with victory in mind; I planned on staying positive and leaving cancer behind.
I didn't know what I
was in for but I had a clue, my family's history with cancer was nothing new.
I prepared myself
mentally for losing all my hair, what I wasn't ready for was all the pain that
cancer would unveil.
Leukemia is what I
have and it's a cancer of your blood, the kind I have is rare for my age and
the outlook didn't look good.
The first day of treatment went better then I hoped, I was
feeling pretty good and that gave me some hope.
On the fourth day of
my chemo I had an unexpected turn of events, surgery to get my appendix out
before it burst.. Just made sense.
They called in a few
surgeons who didn't want to touch me, but with the risk of a ruptured appendix
they decided to go ahead with the surgery.
It was beyond nerve
racking for everyone involved, I was in the middle of treatment and this
problem needed to be solved.
I got a bag of
platelets just before I headed down, and another during surgery and after it as
well.
I'll never forget what the surgeon said to me, "you
must have a guardian angel watching over you young lady".
I didn't realize it
then how big of a deal the surgery was, I kind of tried to block it out, my
fear of dying was big enough.
The next day when all the doctors did rounds, I was the most
popular patient in town.
It's not every day
you do surgery on a cancer patient, during chemo while there counts are low but
my body was impatient.
I started recovering
from my first chemo induction, it definitely was not easy, and my body was
under construction.
Everything hurt from
my hair to my toes; it felt like I got hit by several buses, which blows.
The pain of my hair
falling was so bad, so I made my mom shave it for relief, she was really sad.
The pain in my bones felt like I was being stomped out by an
elephant, I remember crying in bed and saying the hell with it.
It was hard to move
around especially to the bathroom, to bathe and to eat and to sit was filled
with gloom.
But I smiled through
the pain and I felt I was stronger; I wanted to prove that "it" had
me no longer.
33 days I spent in
that bed, when I look back now I can still feel the dread.
Not knowing what your
counts are or if they'll be going up, and getting shots to boost my immune
system totally sucked.
But I put up a fight
like I never before have, I was ready to win and never look back.
On day 21 I had a
bone marrow biopsy, to see if the leukemia was still inside me.
The results came back
good and we all were elated, the cancer was gone and I celebrated.
I went home to my
baby and gave him a hug, "mommy did it" I said to my little cuddle
bug.
What I didn't expect was the appointments I had, every other
day my blood work was sent to the lab.
Sometimes I needed
platelets and other times blood, no matter what I needed it felt like I was
being drug the mud.
My veins were so tiny
and rolled and would blow, at that time I didn't have a picc line you know.
I was stuck every day
I went to the lab, it was not very fun, lots of tears I did have.
So once my counts began rise the doctor scheduled the
consolidation, a week of chemo to prevent a relapse was the plan of attack for
the entire duration.
I was scheduled for 4
more rounds of chemo, but this time less harsh, the side effects I'd love to
veto.
I'm not of fan of pain or having no taste buds at all, I
hated hair loss and being really bald.
Feeling weak, taking
medicine, having no energy at all, I felt kind of useless while others were
having a ball.
But I pushed through
it all every chemo treatment done and on February 14th I was in remission, I
won!
I was exhilarated for
once I was filled with such joy; I couldn't wait to go home and tell my little
boy!
It took about two
months to finally recover, but I was happy that I was cancer free for the
summer.
Every day I would pray and I wanted to share, so I made a
blog page for my story to air.
It's called Cancer is
an Asshole because that's what it was to me, I hated every aspect of cancer,
but once it was over I felt free.
I had 6 months to
myself to be "normal" again, until September 3rd when my tooth pain
started to begin.
It started to swell
and my face was so big, it was painful to talk or even take a drink.
So I went to the ER, where
I was first diagnosed, I figured it was just a toothache so I'd be there a few
hours at most.
They did all the testing that hospitals do but the doctor
had his head down when he came back to my room.
"You have an
abscess in your tooth and it's pretty bad, we also found a blast cell in your
blood work you just had."
The news made cry, my
PTSD kicked right in, I can't have cancer again, what if I don't win?
"We think your relapsing;
I need to keep you here, so you have to stay overnight to make sure your labs
are clear".
My oncologist was
called and so was a dentist, I could barely focus on the words of his sentence.
They wanted the tooth fixed but were worried about cancer
and he said if I relapsed the tooth would be a disaster.
They wanted to pull it and I said NO, so I went to better
dentist and one that I know.
Meanwhile the oncologist set up for a biopsy, he needed to
make sure the leukemia wasn't inside me.
While waiting for
results I had dental work done, finally relief but now round two has begun.
A few days later the
doctor would call September 11th I remember it all.
"I'm so
sorry" he said, "you really did relapse, the leukemia is back"
and I collapsed.
I started to cry and hyperventilate;
so much was running through my mind I had no time to situate.
The doctor told Jesse
what the plan was, I was too devastated to talk I just sat there in a pause.
Are you kidding me
God, one time wasn't enough, I have to suffer again, I don't think I'm that
tough.
I don't want to leave
my son ever again, but the outcome was bleak… this can't be the end.
So we decided on a
date the 17th I'd start chemo, but this time it's stronger and so was my ego.
How do you explain to
your 4 year old son, you have to leave him again but it's for the best in the
long run?
I just held him tight
and apologized over and over, I'm sorry I have to leave you but I will not
crossover.
"We are going to be strong and mommy will fight, we got
this baby boy" I said with delight.
In the back of my mind
I knew all the odds and relapsing with leukemia is not very good.
So the 17th approaches
and my bags are all packed, I said my goodbyes and headed on back.
My mom drove me up there, we cried the whole ride, and we
talked about my will and what would happen if I died.
It was the worst
conversation I never want to have it again, but it needed to be done so they
know what I intend.
I got to the hospital
and up to the floor; I saw my room and almost lost it at the door.
I've already been
through this so I know that it sucks, I felt pretty depressed and down on my
luck.
I put away my things
and got ready for war, a few minutes later there was a knock at the door.
My team of doctors
came in and told me the plan, I'd start chemo in the morning, and then the
tears began.
I have to do this all over I didn't know if I could, I just
wanted to be normal like any person would.
The next day came and
the chemo was started, I felt kind of defeated that I had to restart this.
The hardest part of
these hospital visits is having to leave my son; it just breaks my heart having
to hear him beg for me to come home.
I put on my game face
and strapped on in, I put on my battle mindset because I was going to win.
30 days I was in that
hard hospital bed, I couldn't wait to leave and head back to my homestead.
Although the chemo is over guess what I had to go through,
blood work every other day and possible transfusion too.
At a doctor’s appointment
about a week later we were told I needed a transplant, they were going to test
my family, but came back and said we can't.
So they looked into the registry to see what they could
find, meanwhile my mom’s job hosted a swab party for donors; it was the nicest
gesture and gave me piece of mind.
I can't remember the
date that we got the amazing news, but a donor was found that matched me
perfect I got a stem cell transplant really soon.
A million things ran
through my mind and of course I did some research, the hospital even provided a
class for patients to go to first.
On November 21st I was admitted for my transplant, I was a
nervous wreck to say the least and wondering if I should recant.
Thanksgiving was a
great day for me as Jesse brought up Isaac, my sister came up and my dad was there
too I felt blessed and so excited.
I started chemo the
following day and it went pretty well, the only side affect was nausea which
made me feel real ill.
The chemo I was getting was intense and very strong; it was
rough to say the least sometimes I cried all night long.
The pain in your body and bones really sucks, but the
diarrhea that felt like bleach and fire was pain enough.
The chemo was horrible this go around, I didn't move much
just sat in the bed and frowned.
I had some very intense days one of which the doctor was
concerned, he told my dad a few weeks later "I didn't know if she was
going to make it, Sir".
I disliked all my nurses,
I think mostly because I was depressed, I just hated they never knocked on my
door and blatantly walked right in.
Every four hours my blood pressure was taken even in my
sleep, I punched a few techs by accident, but that's what happened when you
scare me.
November 28th the day
my life changed forever, I received my donors’ cells and felt like I was going
to get better.
Things were very slow
starting I could barely even walk, my legs were weak, I had fatigue I'd sit in
bed most days and sulked.
They had me on so much medication I had a pole with four or
five pumps, I also took some orally my stomach was in a funk.
I had the worst
diarrhea from all of the meds, I was truly miserable lying in that hospital
bed.
I had a reaction to
the last medication that they had me take, my legs felt like they had glass
shards running up and down my leg.
It was burning and I
was in agony it was the worst pain of my life, I cried to God to get me through
I didn’t want to go to the afterlife.
As the days pass on I
could feel I was getting stronger, I was able to walk the hallway without my
walker any longer.
I started to shower
by myself even though it was very hard, it took all of my energy but I made it
this far.
I started to see the
light at the end of the tunnel and believe me that got me through, always
staying humble.
No matter what I was
going through I always put on a smile, I tried to be as positive as I could
even without being mobile.
My body healed pretty
fast I was sent home a week early, I was so excited for the great news I
couldn't wait to see my family.
Man was I weak and
couldn't care for myself I needed 24 hour care, to bathe and eat and walk and
sleep, my gate was also impaired.
I went home with a
walker which I needed for a while, but after a few weeks of that I was getting
versatile.
I can see improvement daily however it is slow, although
recovery is a rollercoaster I'd love to just get up and go.
I'm on my way back
from going through hell, the devil couldn't stop me and I'm not going to dwell.
I have a second
chance at life and that's pretty amazing, I thank my marrow donor for every
single blessing.
Yes I've been through
a lot but I don't let that define me, My journey may have been rough but it's
mine and that's what makes me, me.
